Heaviness

At the end of March a fire started in our garage and destroyed just about everything we owned.
Before the fire I used to flux between, "we have too much, we must purge," and, "I wish we had more of.../I wish we had a better..."

Today I'm really feeling the heaviness of the loss of some of that life. It is naive to think that the extreme thankfulness we feel for the breath in our lungs and healthy skin on all of our bodies would nullify the huge amount to hurt that we face with the loss of the life we had known. It has been almost two months since it all has happened and there have been different stages of grief that I've gone through but tonight all I can think is, "Now, what should I do?"

Life before the fire didn't seem easy while we were in it. Jerry has been struggling with anxiety for a long time, I've been struggling with depression for a couple years, marital growing pains, financial uncertainties, raising a boisterous young family, etc. etc. But I can't stop thinking about how now I want that life back! I know that God has something better for us, it is the weakness within my heart that wants me to just have control. I think about needing to pick the dog poop up only once at the end of the day in our backyard where our dog got to roam freely during the day, instead of needing to take her out to our cubical of grass.  I miss going to the font yard where I had started an herb garden and struggled to keep the caterpillars from eating it all. My boys use to see my hunting for the caterpillars and would jump at the thought of getting to put one in their bug boxes to see what it would come to be. And as odd at feels to even think this, I miss having an over flowing sink of dirty dishes because it meant we had plenty. Plenty of dishes, as well as home cooked food. I keep telling myself that we'll get there, but tonight I'm aching for "now."

Just days before the fire I registered to take a lactation educator course to be able to teach and help mommies with the desire to nurse their babies. I felt like I had something that would be my very own, very fulfilling, project. I had also just gotten a job that was a dream for a stay at home mommy like me. But now both of these things are off the table. Permanently/temporarily, I'm not sure. So, what do I do now? I wait?!?

I'm so very thankful, so very Very VERY thankful, for the generosity people have shown us. The clothes, furniture, dishes, kitchen utensils, bedding, and for whom ever invented the air mattress. But nothing feels like it's ours. I want the black square stone dishes back, even though I started to think they were ugly anyway. The gorgeous white sofa and love seat that Aunt Jackie and Uncle Ed gave to us. They were so comfortable and elegant looking. That is, elegant looking right after I pulled the cushion covers out of the dryer.  We would wash the cushion covers almost every other week and then the clean look would only last about 2 days before a little love of mine would put dirty hands on them or sit with dirty jeans on them.
God is the one who gives, and he can surely take it away! He has.  But, now what do I do?
 I wait.
Hopefully, I don't wait as anxiously as I am today.

Sleep...

It's such an important thing. It effects everything in life either positively or negatively. Some things are worth sacrificing sleep for but the negative repercussions still follow. I'm not one that needs to sleep in, I don't even really care too (unless you think 8 am is sleeping in). But falling asleep and being able to stay that way, traveling through sleep cycles in a smooth rhythmical pattern is something that I haven't experienced in a long time and I looooooong for the day it happens. Lately, it's because my mind is running non-stop and then the princes wake up either in the middle of the night or, in my opinion, too early in the morning. The last couple of days keeping my eye lids open during breakfast and enjoying my high energy crew has been really difficult and at times I'll admit, I've been less than pleasant. I depend on naps during phases like these, but even then there are problems that prevent the restful feeling I hope to gain by taking one and turns into self inflicted torture.

Nap time is scheduled sometime around 12:30 but today, since he woke up before the rooster crowed, my little Ru passed out at 10. It wasn't one of those times when you can keep them pacified until it's the "right time slot" to nap. It was that the boy had met his quota of hours for morning awake time and that tiny body needed to to gear up for the 2nd 1/2 of the day. So, I let it happen. It was the right thing to do, and yet I grumbled. If he would JUST SLEEP IN LONGER, anything past 6:45 would be fantastic. The day would go much smoother! And doesn't he realize that now the 2nd 1/2 of his day is going to get a whole lot longer. Where is the 2nd nap (that he doesn't typically need) going to fall at?

I resolved to laying him in my bed so Mehkai could keep playing with his trains in their room. I watched him nuzzle into the pillow and drift to sleep. I couldn't help but stare at this little angelic creature of mine. All of my grumbles disappeared and my heart swelled with love for my beautiful son - who steals my sleep and throws my routines out the window. This love is amazing!

...And to think Uriah is a better sleeper than Mehkai is and was at this age.

It's time to brew that green tea and let the caffeine have it's way with me!

A Family of 4 <3

The time is flying and my babies are getting bigger. I'm learning so much about my men; all of them fearfully and wonderfully made. And with learning about them I am learning so much about myself.

I thought that trying to be "ready" was important when you want to start a family. Nobody ever mentioned that you never really can be ready. Some people get ready financially, some people buy a new home or car, some people "finish" their education. And while all of those things are wonderful, I never thought that I wouldn't be able to family a just because I had not yet accomplished those things. I am married, I'm not too prideful to learn from others, I am open and loving and willing to see things through. Turns out, even that's not what you need to prepare to have a family. You need a superglue-tight relationship with God. I have a relationship with my Creator but it's far from superglue-tight. I'm not always carrying my own weight.

I've heard about the "terrible twos," they never came. It's the "tyrant threes." And with Mehkai presenting more and more of himself and looking back at every evening at what went on all day I feel like I am looking in the mirror and having a battle of the wills with myself. I may not have presented myself in the same ways as he is, but that doesn't mean my heart was in the right place either. I'm definitely on an adventure.

The Latest:

We moved back down to the S.Bay late in April and are starting to settle down. But I don't wish moving with a newborn for anybody. It was a nightmare (for me).

Jerry is AMAZING!

Let's just say that God has given him a new outlook on life and that is to just Roll with the Punches. What does Jerry do when his radiator cracks and is spraying coolant all over the engine, thus creating a cloud of smoke? He grabs a diaper! Not only does he work all day long, and have "strong conversations" with his co-workers about The One, but he comes home with a smile on his face and is fully present with his boys. I am so proud of who God has made him to be.

I am trying to keep my head on strait while having 2 little loves in my life now. I am enjoying all the snuggles and smiles and observations. And I'm growing with all of the struggles that come our way. To keep with the the theme of this blog... I am now working. ;-)

God is so gracious to me. I walked into a V.S. and saw an old co-worker who is now a store manager. After catching up a little bit she told me that she has a position open for me and I have to come work for her. Jer and I were just talking about me possibly getting a part time job to have a sort of ... out of the house hobby that would pay me. With the economy the way it is and every other person needing a job I really didn't think that I would be able to find one that would fit my availability. After all, I am wife and mommy first and foremost! Well God, doesn't forget details! I'm working 3 evenings a week, 12 hours total. The position is flexible as far as if something comes up, it's 3 freeway exits from my home and my boss is amazingly sweet.
Not only is this an opportunity to have an out of the house hobby that pays, it's an opportunity to get out of credit debt! Just typing those words makes me want to get up and dance!


Mehkai is amazing! Life is hard having to try and follow Mommy and Papi's rules but he's figuring things out and if having alot of fun doing it. Recently he got 2 fire belly toads and has a blast hunting for meal worms in G-pa's fishing bait stash and then feeding his toads. And his "Big Brother Present" from Uriah has been very entertaining. We've learned all about the life cycle of butterflies and because the eggs that the butterflies laid have hatched it looks like we're going on round 2. Mehkai desperately wants to go to school! Jer and I are preparing to start officially homeschooling him when the new year starts and we're excited to see what he will think of his school time.

Uriah, oh my sweet Uriah! I fall him love with him over and over each day. He's cooing a lot now and is starting to roll to one side. He is such a happy baby. He finds Mehkai and will lock his eyes on him no matter where he's at. And he really loves getting raspberries on his feet from Papi, it makes him laugh that beautiful laugh.

Uriah Athanasius ~ My 2nd little prince has arrived!

What an amazing journey this birth experience has been!
After being dilated at 2 cm for 4 weeks I thought it might be possible that this baby would never come. I had no clue what I was talking about! I missed the lesson of patience that God was trying to teach me with those 4 weeks.

I went into labor on 14, March (Uriah's due date) at 9am while we where at home doing our normal Saturday morning rituals...a whole lotta natta! Jer and I were shocked because Mehkai was born on his due date. What a coincidence, ay! The contractions quickly became close together and very consistent. We called a family friend, Debbie, who is apprenticing as a Midwife and flew into town to assist with the birth as our doula (an irreplaceable figure) from VA, as well as her daughter Lindsay, and Auntie Shan. The day filled with God's magical blessings! I don't think I could have asked for a better labor... that is Chapter 1 of the labor. I was surrounded by loving, nurturing, happy people. I labored in bed, on a Pilate's ball, on the floor and this warmth, that even richly illuminating candles couldn't compare to, of these people followed me. The best part of it all was hearing sweet Mehkai laughing and playing during a time when I wasn't quite sure how he was going to react to me and my actions.

Around 10pm we left for the hospital only to find that even though I had some signs of being in the transition phase of labor, I was only 4 cm dilated. I was pretty bummed but thought... God isn't done knitting yet... he much have a few more final touches. After considering our options Jer and I decided that admission would be best instead of going back and forth to the hospital. We had no clue what was ahead!

At the hospital we kept pretty busy walking hallways, sitting on the Pilate's ball to help open my pelvis, taking showers, and enjoying each other - all in an effort to help the process along! Well, it would help for a while... then things would pause, we would try it all again... and again it would work and then pause. (and by pausing I mean things stopped progressing and took a step or 2 backwards. contractions about 20 min apart.) All the while the we had nurse and midwife shift changes. It seemed as though every time it was close to a shift change the pressure would be on and they would bring up the topic of pitocin or c-section to "hurry up and get this baby out safely".

*The only problem is that... there was no problem!*

My bag of water had yet to brake and so Uriah wasn't feeling the stress of labor, his heart rate remained pretty much the same as it did throughout my labor. And as for me, I was tired.... T.I.R.E.D., but I was in labor and that is just part of the whole equation! Jer was ready to take me back home so that we could just continue laboring at home as we were before we got to the hospital. Looking back... that was really good idea!

After 35 hours, the contractions seemed to stop completely. With the thought of having more contractions - which is what I wanted so desperately, and the thought of having more pain - which I didn't think my exhausted mind could handle, we decided that some intervention was needed. I wanted to enjoy the rest of this experience and with a sane mind hold my little treasure when he emerged. An epidural and even the lowest dose of pitocin was something that we never in a million years would have thought we would need to or want to use, and I am so glad that I am living in an era were it exists!

Three and a half hours after getting the pitocin, the contractions and my body where in sync and God worked though the whole situation to let me feel the contractions to push Uriah out and feel his body emerge. (I was planning on asking them to turn the epidural meds down so that I would have the experience of feeling him emerge - a amazing experience - but for some reason I didn't need to, who else deserves the credit but God.)

12:45 am - He was born... the best way to start off a new day, wouldn't you say?
He weighed in at 9lbs 2oz
21 inches long
And is amazingly precious!!!!!

This baby boy and his big brother Mehkai have something in common already. They both came out head & hand together.

Mehkai was in and out during the labor. It lasted so long that Shannon would take him out and about or home to sleep during the duration. I was so excited that he was there with us when it was time to push. He witnessed the whole thing and just gazed in amazement. He kept his tongue in his cheek the whole time, which told me he was excited and nervous. And rightly so... he too is forever changed. As the midwife was doing the little repair work that was needed Mehkai gasped out "Ooooh! I forgot my doctor kit!" My heart just swelled with love for him that entire day and he topped it off with making a comment like that.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that we would have had an experience like this, after all, the 2nd labor is "suppose" to be easier; or so they say. But God planned everything just perfectly. He gave me the support of my husband and us the support of our son, my "sister" Shannon, Stephanie, Debbie and Lindsay and I can look back and say it was so wonderful!

*For those of you wondering how we came up with his name, the short version of it is:
Uriah the Hittite is probably best known as the husband of Bathsheba who was betrayed by his king to cover up an adultery scheme. However, Uriah was much more than that, he was one of King David’s 37 mighty men, a true warrior and a man of honor and valor. In Hebrew Uriah means “Yahweh is my light”.

Athanasius is a reminder of God’s sovereignty over evil and reassurance that the truth of his word will stand through all seasons. Athanasius was a bishop in the 4th century from Alexandria, Egypt who defended the deity of Jesus till the end. Being exiled numerous times for the defense of Christ, and out numbered in many council meetings, Athanasius was one of the, if not THE main proponent used by God in preserving the truth of his Son. It is because of God’s providence in using Athanasius that we are able to understand the role of Jesus in verses like John 1:1 and Col 1 with clarity…

Things to come:

• Uriah's birth
• Mehkai turns 3
• Life as a family of 4
• Starting a "Creation Playgroup" - inspired by Richard Louv, although he would call it a nature playgroup.

Recklessly in Bloom?

We are are ever-changing and ever-growing and things get wild! Blossoms are the things God blesses us with as well as the things he challenges us with. We keep moving along and even when the pace seems slow we look at things in retrospect and everything was still wildly in motion. Blossoms rise up from everywhere! And just like a big garden in spring, being Recklessly in Bloom can take your breath away with it's beauty. It's all about perspective.

I'm starting this blog because I thought it would be a great way to give our long distance (& medium distance - it's all relative) and near by family and friends a portal into the happenings of our life. It will also be good for me to journal about the things that are happening in our life since my memory is focused on keeping track of my son(s) and our daily life... not remembering it. :)

***Disclaimer: Since I've never had a blog, I have no clue what I'm really doing. It's just another "reckless" idea of mine, so we'll see what comes of it.

ENJOY!